What A Pile of Shit

or, Why Drop Dead Fred is a Zen Master

"When something isn't working right, the best thing is to tear it apart to make it better." - Drop Dead Fred

Drop Dead Fred has been one of my favorite movies since I was far too young and impressionable to watch it. Of course, as a six-year-old, I was unable to appreciate (or even notice) some of the attempts at rude humor, but I still feel that the main messages of this cinematic triumph helped shape the serious, responsible adult I never will be.

For those sad many of you who are not familiar with the story, Drop Dead Fred is the name of the most irresponsible, uncontrollable, hilariously violent and rude imaginary friend you've ever not-seen. He initially befriends five-year-old Elizabeth Cronin to help her deal with her mean-spirited and overbearing mother, and returns twenty-one years later when a grown-up Elizabeth divorces her husband and (reluctantly) moves back in with her mother.

Strange behavior and "poo" jokes aside, what is truly admirable about Fred is his relationship with Elizabeth. He cares deeply for her, and his bizarre antics, though annoying at the time, are rooted in concern for her well-being. She has grown to be a quiet, weak-willed, "mousy" woman who lets others walk all over her. Fred pushes her toward making choices that are good for her, and that will ultimately make her happy, and he does it without vomiting up any Oprah-esque platitudes (though he does, at one point, pretend to vomit). He does crazy things and puts her in awkward situations because that's what she needs, but he never actually says that's why he's doing it.

According to Robert Fulghum, all the really important life lessons are learned in kindergarten, and we adults just need to learn how to extrapolate these lessons to our adult lives. While it's true that many things in life are much simpler than we like to think they are, I submit that sometimes the lessons we take away from kindergarten are the wrong ones. From cartoon fairytales to consumerist fairytales, sometimes the lies we're taught stick with us just as long as the truths, or longer. One of my favorite things about Drop Dead Fred is his way of tossing out little sayings that keep you wondering whether they make no sense, or a lot of sense, because they seem at first to be completely at odds with what we call "common sense."

So, since it is now nearly my bedtime, I will leave you with a few lines from the movie. To me, each one reads like a Zen koan: complete nonsense at first glance, but surprisingly insightful upon further inspection.


FRED: You never leave a party till the very, very end.
ELIZABETH: Cinderella left her party early. Remember what happened with her?
FRED: No, I don't remember what happened with her. I've deliberately forgotten everything about her; she made me puke!

FRED: Breaking a window takes great sophisticatedliness.

YOUNG ELIZABETH: Did they live happily ever after?
MOTHER: Of course, Elizabeth.
YOUNG ELIZABETH: How do you know?
MOTHER: Because she was a good little girl. If she had been naughty, the prince would have run away.
YOUNG ELIZABETH: What a pile of shit.